Sailor Moon Millennium – Dark Sun Rising
Chapter # 10 – The Rain : Please Forgive Me –
Created March 12th, 2002
By K.W. Isenor (sailor_sun_@hotmail.com) & Jason (Omartin6@home.com)
Notes:  The lyrics to this song are: Metallica’s Low Man’s Lyric - Jason just changed them around in order to fit Tasha’s point of view.

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My eyes seek reality

My fingers seek my veins

There’s a dog at your back step

She must come in from the rain

I fall ‘cause I let go

The net below has right away

So my eyes seek reality

And my fingers seek my veins

The trash fire is warm

But nowhere safe from the storm

And I can’t bear to see

What I’ve let me be

So wicked and worn

 She groaned in pain as she taped up her ribs again, this time however they weren’t cracked, they were broken and fractured, just like her life was. Unbidden tears slipped from the eyes of the girl with two neon green stripes in her medium length black hair. Angrily she wiped them off her face and slowly sipped the cheap whiskey in the silver flask that she was holding, she always got hurt, and always hurt those around her by living.

Unbidden a memory flashed in her mind. *”Congratulations, so how much more do you have to save up before you leave me?”* Her cousin had asked once when she had come home before then and taped up her ribs, and bandaged her right arm which had been slashed repeatedly when Viper had used a knife on her and had beaten and left her in a room.

She’d struggled to get up and had then gotten onto her bike and raced after him and the others, and had returned the favor, all the while trying not to feel sick and throw up the bile and blood that was in her mouth, least she’d gotten five hundred dollars for her troubles, that plus the rest would be enough to get her a fake id, a fake driver’s license, along with four others.  With a cough she threw up into a wastebasket, bile and blood falling from her mouth before she lay back down.

“Tasha? Are you alright?” a voice asked as her red haired cousin entered the room and Tasha nodded a yes to her as she lay back on her bed.

“Yeah, right as da rain da’s pouring’ down,” she mumbled, thanks to the rain she wasn’t able to go outside. Jessica insisting that she needed to stay inside for some dumb reason. “Does yer mom keep any coffee in da kitchen?” she asked her cousin.

 “No,” Jessica said, before she looked at the wastebasket then at her cousin, concern on her face. “Why?” she asked Tasha, “why did you say you were alright when you really aren’t?” she asked, deciding for the simplest question. “Why lie to me?”

“’cause I am fine,” she said as she tried to roll over onto her side before she hissed in pain. “Ohh hell,” she said as she spat up some blood. “’s not like I’m dyin’ or some’tin,” she said. “Though I’m sure dat dat would be a better alternative den da hell my life is now.” She said as her cousin sat down beside her.

“Why do you always have to hide how you feel from everyone? Why do you want to die?” she asked her cousin, “do you want to put everyone else through so much pain?” she said as she looked at her ribs, her eyes widening a bit as she realized that they were broken. “Do you hate everyone that much?” she questioned.

“I dunn hate ya Jessy,” she said before she looked away from her cousin who wasn’t about to be deterred from trying to help her. “Just everyone else, ‘cept for Kat, Bi, Mandy, Danielle, Riana an’ Lexxy.”

“Why do you hate yourself?” Jessica asked her cousin, she wondered if she should tell her mother or father about her cousin’s problems, or at least Eclipse, with a sigh she shook her head, *I can’t do that just now, she’ll close up on me for good if I do* she thought to herself.

“Just drop it okay?” Tasha asked tiredly, she was hurting, and she was also afraid that she’d tell her why she hated herself, and how she knew that she was nothing more then heartache for her cousin and everyone else. “I’mma tired,” she lied

“No, I won’t stop till you tell me,” Jessica said hoping that her idea wasn’t going to lead to disaster. “We used to have a fun time when we were little.”

“That was then, this is now,” Tasha said coldly – hoping that her cousin would stop trying to help her open up, not just to her but also to Tasha herself.

The rain poured down heavily as Tasha looked out the window. “You still here?” she asked harshly, trying to piss Jessica off, and make her leave her alone.

“Yes, and I’m not leaving until you tell me why you decided to act this way.” Jessica said defiantly, Tasha opening up to her last night about being raped, along with what Kevin and Eclipse had told her, had painted a picture of why her dark haired cousin was doing this, but it wasn’t painting the whole picture. “Was it when your mom and dad died?” she asked hesitantly.

Tasha looked away from her, “stop askin’ already it ain’t any o’ yer concern!” she stated as she wiped the blood from her split lip. “I dun wanna talk ‘bout it!” she replied as she tried to not get angry with her cousin.

“No, no I won’t – you keep shutting people out, and it hurts everyone else,” Jessica said as she got a tissue and gingerly wiped the blood from her cousin’s mouth. “And you can’t go on hurting yourself this way either.” She said as she tried to reason with her cousin. “And we love you and don’t want you getting hurt anymore.” She said with a shaky smile.

Tasha glared angrily at Jessica, “piss off – you dunn know ‘nothin’ ‘bout it! YOU WEREN’T DERE, YER MOM AND DAD WEREN’T DERE EITHER!!” she snapped as she glared at her cousin. “YOU WEREN’T THERE!!” she screamed as she tried to fight the tears that threatened to fall…

So as I write to you

Of what is done and to do

Maybe you’ll understand

And won’t cry for this girl

‘cause low girl is due

Please forgive me

 Jessica flinched at her cousin’s words, before she got up and ran out of the room, and Tasha sobbed as she grabbed a mirror and slammed her fist into it, shards of glass impacting with her hand, reminding her how much her life was spiraling out of control, how alone and how frightened she felt in Halifax. She couldn’t trust anyone here, not with her feelings, not with her life, and not to be there for her always … not even Jessica…

… She sobbed as she ran to her room, her cousin did hate her, but what was more – she hated herself and hated most everyone for abandoning her, despite the fact that the Walkers had been miles away from San Francisco.

Huddling on her bed, Jessica cried, for herself and for Tasha. She just wanted to help and now things were going to be worse, Eclipse nuzzled her and tried to get her to stop crying.

“She ha-hat-hates m-me-m-me!” Jessica stammered over and over again as she cried into her pillow.

“Princess?” Eclipse said slowly, as he looked up at her. “She doesn’t hate you. She doesn’t have any reason to have you.” He said, “She is just lashing out at everyone around her,” he replied as he looked at her pleadingly.

“She said she did! She said that I wasn’t there when she needed me, nor was mom or dad or anyone else!” she said as she sobbed.

Eclipse looked at her, he licked her hand and then nuzzled her arm. “She is probably upset because you are trying to get in, I think she is scared of what will happen if she lets you or anyone else in.” He reasoned. “Those friends of hers are probably the only ones she’s ever let in.” He stated as he looked at her. “Don’t give up on her. She needs you in her life, no matter what she says.”

Jessica looked at her guardian, the large Doberman was right, the question was how would she be able to talk to her cousin, how would she be able to get through to her without acting like a parent, and how would she be able to keep her from shutting her out. There had to be something…

My eyes seek reality

My fingers feel for flame

Touch clean with a dirty hand

I touched the clean to the waste

 

The trash fire is warm

Nowhere safe from the storm

I can’t bear to see

So wicked and worn

…There wasn't so much blood, ever. From the now shattered mirror, to the bed, to the wastebasket and finally on the floor itself, but she didn’t care anymore. She hurt, so many emotions were running through her mind, while pain was running through her body.

“I’m sorry Kats, it’s just not working anymore.” She said as she cried, blood falling from her hands as she took out a knife then sliced her right arm, the blood dripping slowly onto the knife and the floor as she lay down, not uttering a word as she started to close her eyes.

The nightmares, the strange attacks by the monsters in this town, the fights with her family and everyone else in her life had taken their toll, as had everything else in her life. The only thing she had going for her were her friends who would probably be better off without her to complicate their lives.

As she lay their bleeding the necklace with the medallion glowed softly and a beam of energy swirled around her, attempting to heal her from the self-inflicted wounds … It stopped a few seconds before Jessica entered the room.

“TASHA!!” Jessica screamed as she ran to her cousin, seeing the blood all around her, quickly she wrapped her cousin’s bloody hands then her arm, she stared in horror at the small knife on the bed beside her cousin. “Please wake up!” Jessica said frantically as she tried to wake her cousin, whose breathing was now labored and shallow. “Eclipse watch her!” she said as she started to go get the phone in order to call an ambulance, and her parents.

Tasha opened her eyes for a moment, “just lemme be,” she whimpered

“No! I won’t just sit here and watch you die!” she said as she looked at her cousin, “I don’t want you to leave me!” she said as she began to sob. “I won’t I won’t I won’t!” she said as she hugged her cousin.

“I dunn deserve ta live.” Tasha said as she looked away, “I’m just a whore, a self centered slut who just hurts everyone else by bein’ alive.” She said weakly

“NO you aren’t, you’re my cousin, and you do deserve to live, you may have done some bad things but they can’t justify you killing yourself!” Jessica shot back as she hugged her cousin, and wrapped her arm up. “Everyone cares about you so much, if you were gone, a lot of people would be hurt.”

“For what? For not bein’ able ta save a girl who feels so confined in dis town, a girl who would rather live on the streets den inna nice home? A girl who wants ta just leave everyone in da dust an’ go an’ live in a dingy abandoned apartment complex wid six other girls who all do da same tings I do, all o’ whom gots as many problems as I do?” She asked simply.

Jessica blinked then nodded slowly, holding her cousin close as she bandaged her up. “It would hurt because you would be gone, I love you, you’re my cousin, and you’re like a sister to me.” She said as she looked at her.

“Da’s nice Jess, but I’m not da Tasha you used to know anymore, to much happened.” She said as she looked away.

So as I write to you

Of what is done and to do

Maybe you’ll understand

And won’t cry for this girl

‘cause low girl is due

Please forgive me

Please forgive me

Please forgive me

 “Like what?” she asked her cousin, “and please don’t shut me out Tash.” She said as she used the nickname that she’d given to Tasha years ago.

“M-mo-mom, dad, that man and his friends, bein’ sent ta orphanage ta orphanage, den runnin’ way ‘cause I know I didn’t belong dere, den goin’ ta San Fran and getting’ a job as a hoo - workin’ girl,” she said as Jessica looked at her cousin in shock, “yes Jess – yer cous’ went ‘round wid tons o’ guys.”  She said disdainfully, “least till Kats taught me ta pick pockets an’ Bi and de others showed me how ta fight.” She said, “you tink I’m a disgustin’ piece o’ slime now don’t yas?” She said with a tired sigh.

Jessica blinked, taking all the information in before she hugged her cousin, “no, I could never hate you Tasha. You’re my family and you’ll always be no matter what you do.” She said as she looked at her cousin, “I may not like you’re kind of fun but I will love you always, you’re my best friend and my cousin.” She said as she cried, her tears mingling with her cousin’s.

“Just lemme alone Jessy, I dunn want ya to see me like dis.” Tasha confessed as she looked away, “go get some sleep or somet’in’” she said before Jessica shook her head. “Please go,” she said as she tried to look anywhere but at her cousin.

“No, you need a friend and that’s what you are going to get.” Jessica said as she looked at her cousin.

“But I dunn deserve any,” Tasha pointed out.

“Yes you do, and Alissa, Brook, Madison and Jennifer want to be your friend as much as I do, so does Kevin.” She said patiently, “Just you need to let us in.” She said

“You need to go back to yer room now, yer folks are here.” Tasha said as she looked away and Jessica sighed in defeat.

“Alright, but we’re not finished.” She said as she turned and left, Eclipse following her…

So low, the sky is all I see

All I want from is forgive me

So you bring this poor dog in from the rain

Though she just wants right back out again

 She watched her cousin leave then lay back down, sighed as tears began to fall again, before she moved then pulled out a well worn leather-bound notebook and a pen then sighed as she opened it up.

~ It’s still hard ta believe I write in dis ting, den again I doubt anybody’ll read the friggin’ thing, Jess still tries ta get me ta open up, dunno why she does. I mean I find myself just wantin’ ta scream ‘cause no one here will leave me da hell alone, It ain’t like dey have anyt’in better ta do den try ta talk an’ get ta know me. ~

~ Feel so frustrated, I’s like dey dunn understand me ‘round here anymore. Jessica talks ‘bout when I was eleven, goin’ on twelve years old an’ all, but I’m not like dat anymore. Cor knows I’ve tried showin’ her wid my actions but she seems to tink I need help or somet’in’ and she keeps tryin’ ta look out fer me an’ all, wish I knew how ta tell her dat I dunn need a freakin’ babysitter anymore, widout hurtin’ her. ~

~ Bi’s got a place just near da outskirts o’ town, told her ‘bout my sit; she said she’d cover for me while my ribs heal up. She said if ting’s got worse I could crash at her place, which issa nice offer. Hell she and da others always came through for me, ever since they found me when I was bleedin’ in a ditch. De didn’t have ta take me in but dey did an’ we became sisters in a way, lookin’ out fer ourselves, never answerin’ ta nobody but ourselves, den I went an’ met up wid dat social worker. ~

Angrily she clenched a fist at that memory, her nails digging into her skin so hard that blood started to form a bit. She had promised to help Kat earn some quick cash, and had been working the crowd at a car lot; She’d just finished looting several pockets when she’d reached into a fussy lady who reminded her of a mother hen’s purse, stole a couple of bucks then headed on her way, only to run into a cop who had been getting complaints.

The cop made her return all the money, then the cop had asked her what her age was, and when she had told the truth – the woman had then taken it upon herself to “save Tasha from a life on the street” by taking her back to the orphanage, then to her aunt and uncle when the people at the orphanage wouldn’t take her back.

She snorted at that thought, “freaking losers everyone o’ them, all too self righteous to take me back in, stupid self righteous social workers, like they had to interfere in my life!” she said angrily to herself as she snapped her pen in half, the ink mixing with her blood. “BLOODY HELL!!” she snapped to herself, as she cleaned the mess up then got out another pen.

~ I could see da tears in Kat’s eyes as she and de others watched me be led away. Dey had tried ta bail my sorry arse outta jail, only ta see dat social worker call up goo’ ole’ aunt Harriet and uncle Jeffrey, tellin’ dem dat I had nowhere else ta go, and den askin’ if I could go ta live wid den - as if my own opinion didn’t matter at all – friggin’ losers everyone o’ them. ~

~ Least I was able ta ride my cycle up here an’ all, heh was funny flashin’ da drivers. ‘fore dat woman had me stopped an’ made me put my clothes back on, all the while lookin’ at me in disgust. Like she was a saint, heh wonder if she realized dat I swiped her watch an’ den hocked it fer some cash. ~

With a laugh, Tasha smiled a bit at that memory as she looked at the silver LCD watch on her left hand, one of those newer watches, she’d used the money from the large woman’s watch to buy this newer watch. It had cost nearly fifty-five dollars, and she’d only had thirty … after flirting with the salesmen, and picking his pocket she’d then come back a few days later and had bought the watch.

Her aunt and uncle hadn’t been happy to learn that she had stolen from the clerk and had made her return the money, or rather the rest of it. None of them had known that she’d used about twenty dollars to help buy the watch. “Dat was funny,” she thought before an image of Jessica’s shocked face came to her mind, least up until Jessica had looked at her that way, not believing that her cousin had stolen from someone.

Her aunt and uncle hadn’t been pleased either, then again with the tons of detention she had been racking up, and the fights she’d been picking with most of the other girls at the school and the prank where she had filled Vice Principle Matheson’s car with tons of water and soap, insisting that she was only “washing the car” hadn’t helped much – though they did give her a good laugh…

And I cry to the Alleyway

Confess all to the rain

But I lie, lie straight to the mirror

One I’ve broken, to match my face

 ~ Dunno why Jess thinks dat dis is’who’I’am now. ~ She wrote down with a sigh. ~ I mean yeah sure I dunn act all tough all da time, but I ain’t da little girl she knew neither. I mean I like stealin’, smokin’, drinkin’ an’ racin’, as well as getting’ into fights. I’s not like Imma gonna be a goody-goody, wuss, like I was before. ~

She shook her head, that’s what Jessica didn’t seem to get, she had grown up, she’d become a rebel, a fighter, a whore, a punk, and that’s all she was, nothing more nothing less. She sighed as she looked at the halfway-destroyed mirror; she then punched it hard, the glass shattering leaving only one strand.

One miserable strand that seemed to haunt her, seemed to show her the one side she didn’t want anyone, including herself to see … the frightened and scared little girl who was always there. A girl that seemed frightened, a girl she’d punished many times for being pushed around and too naïve and innocent to understand what had happened.

She understood full well what had happened, and more importantly why now – the world was cold and cruel and the ones who did succeed only did so by stepping on others, by surviving by playing this world for all it was worth.

As she gazed at the shard of glass that still remained, she noticed the sad brown eyes that stared back up at her, was she really still the same girl that she was back then? Was she just too scared to show who she really was anymore?

With a shake of her head she looked into the mirror defiantly, the image seeming to disappear and she smirked to herself, she wasn’t that girl. She was in charge, she was Tasha Alicia James and she wasn’t about to let anyone, even her cousin Jessica see something that wasn’t there, something that she’d locked in a dark corner and would never let out … no matter what.

But where to begin though, where to start showing them all that she wasn’t the young girl that everyone thought she was anymore?

The answer was simple, she’d ditch them all, ditch them then go to Bi’s place, she almost had enough money now and with her friend’s help the two of them could leave Halifax for good, it wasn’t much of a plan, but it would do for now.

With a groan she got up, then packed her stuff. It was time for her to book it, grabbing her duster then opening a window, she put her stuff outside, slid out onto the roof, dropped down onto the ground, winced in pain, before putting her duster back on. She then headed for the garage, opened it, and wheeled her bike out, not caring about the rain any longer.

Closing the garage, she put on her helmet, hopped on her bike and zoomed off just as Jessica came into the room and saw the fading headlights of her bike as she zoomed down the street, heading for the highway…

The trash fire is warm

But no one’s safe from the storm

And I can’t bear to see

What I’ve become

So wicked and worn

 Jessica stood there watching her cousin leave, tears welling in her eyes as she staggered to the bed then fell on it, Eclipse walked up to her, nuzzled her as she cried, her tears mingling with the blood and ink on the bed as her parents came in and also took in the scene, both of them crying as well, Tasha was gone…

…She zoomed down the street, then made a left, followed by two rights. Her ribs hurt but she couldn’t give up, not now, she thought as she zoomed along in the cold rain, her duster wrapped tightly around her as she drove through Halifax then turned down a dirt road and smiled as she arrived at the small house that her friend Bianca had told her about, she sped into the driveway, got off her bike, knocked on the door and smiled as a young Hispanic girl with hair that had been dyed pink opened the door and looked at her.

“Hey Bi,” Tasha said with a smile before she collapsed on the ground and her friend without a word took her inside.

Bianca smiled, though she was worried for her friend, her sister. She was glad to see her fellow gang member and friend, helping her to the couch she took off Tasha’s shirt, then began to patch her up, relying on the skills she’d learned when she’d gone to medical school … before her dad had forced her to drop out, so that he wouldn’t have to pay for her classes anymore.

“Rest sis, everythin’ll be alright sista – Ahh promise yas’” she said in her southern accent, amazed after the three years of knowing the girl. Even though her ribs were broken, and she had probably lost a lot of blood, Tasha hadn’t given up, her sister had never given up on, “’cept yaself huh TJ?” she asked sadly as she looked at her friend who was resting comfortably for what was probably the first time since she’d come to this town.

She and the others had seen how Tasha would give up on herself when things went bad, and sometimes when things went good. They all had their problems Bianca knew that, but Tasha’s kept piling up on her … much like Bianca’s. Before the southern girl had left San Francisco, her father had started beating on her in his drunken rages again, not even bothering to stop.

Since he was a cop, and since he would hit her in places where a bruise wouldn’t show, she couldn’t report him, though she had tried twice before she’d finally just given up and left in order to hang with her street sistahs, as Kat would call them. When Tasha had left, the group had decided to combine enough money to buy a plane ticket in order to stay with their friend.

The only problem was that only one of them could go, taking a vote, Bianca had gotten lucky and booked herself a plane ticket to Nova Scotia, she’d then caught a train ride to Halifax and moved into the abandoned house. With the rest of the money taking care of the power and water problem which would have been a problem had Tasha and she not been racing in the tourney.

Looking down at Tasha she sighed, then placed her friend’s coat on a coat rack, and sat down. She would wait for her sis to wake up, wondering if her dark haired friend would be okay…

So as I write to you

Of what is done and to do

Maybe you’ll understand

And won’t cry for this girl

‘cause low girl us due

Please forgive me

Please forgive me

 … Tasha smiled in her sleep, she felt safe with her friend here beside her, no longer trapped and confined like she had been at the Walker’s, no longer being pestered by people who didn’t know her, asking how she felt, why she acted the way she did, and why she just didn’t care anymore.

It was in that mindset when the first of the nightmare dreams began to occur, she saw the face of the first of the men before she tried to struggle, she whimpered in her sleep, and thrashed in terror as she tried to get away, but it was no use, she couldn’t fight back.

Never had she felt as helpless as she did then, as they grinned at her and began to advance, only this time their happiness turned to fear as a hulking demon exactly like the one that had attacked her, save for barbs on it- no his arms roared then proceeded to slaughter them in front of her, and as she watched the demon drank their blood then dropped their lifeless bodies which vanished as her clothes changed to that of what appeared to be a Sailor Scout’s and the demon walked towards her.

“I’ll never leave you,” the demon said as he kissed her deeply, and she felt at peace, two world’s colliding as she returned the kiss, before the demon began to vanish. “Come to me Ravina - I will be waiting for you my love – like I always have and always will.” The demon said

“SKORR! WAIT!!” she said as she ran to him then hugged him, her arms encircling his chest. “Don’t leave me, don’t leave me alone.” She pleaded

“I have to love, for now at least, but your friend Bianca is here and she along with Kat, Lexxy, Mandy are your fellow Apocalypse Scouts, and Riana and Danielle are my flesh and blood sisters, they just don’t know it yet.” He said as he tenderly caressed her face, a dress appearing instead of the scout uniform she wore.

“The Serpent’s eye medallion, place it with Bianca’s and she will become Sailor Malice again.” He instructed her before he leaned down and kissed, his bat like leathery wings wrapping around her. “I love you,” he said as he vanished, leaving her alone…

“No, not alone.” She said with a smile, I gots me sistahs,” she replied as she began to cry, for the first time in her life, she was feeling as if she was something other then what she had thought of herself.

Slowly she awoke to see Bianca on the phone talking to Kat and she smiled a bit, everything was going to be okay, she mused as she tried to get up, wincing a bit from the pain.

“You okay?” Bianca asked as she walked over to her, the medallion with a scorpion in the middle swinging from her neck, “I mean ya were outta it fer a bit an’ said some guy’s name.” She said in concern as she looked at her slightly smaller friend.

So low the sky is all I see

All I want from you is to forgive me

So, you bring this poor dog in from the rain

Though she just wants right back out again

My eyes seek reality

My fingers seek my veins

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© 1999-2002. Sailor Moon Millennium: Dark Sun Rising is copyright material of K.W.Isenor also known as Sunrose and Jason along with any characters mentioned excluding the original Sailor Moon characters. Pretty Soldier Sailormoon is copyright of Takeuchi Naoko-sensei, TOEI animation, and other companies. This site and its stories are non-profit and are only for free entertainment purposes.

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